The hardest part of being under investigation was the depression and isolation, I felt so separated from everyone els! Our friends and neighbors tried to support us, we were just in a whole different place than they were. It was hard to lose everything we had worked for financially and have our credit shot, even worst was not really being able to start over because it was ongoing. Chad and I are hard workers, we were willing to start over and scrape but it felt so useless. It seemed impossible to get to ground zero.
I quit real estate and Chad got his CDL ( trucking license) but the only place he could get a job with out experience was in the oil field. Watching Chad work 20 hour days and live in a truck nearly broke my heart. I felt so guilty for so many years! Chad didn't want to get into real estate and had nothing to do with the deals I was involved in. He was paying such a heavy price for not putting his foot down.
For a while our marriage was on rocky ground. I felt so guilty and he felt like a victim. Chad is quit passive aggressive and he went into a deep depression during the years I was involved in real estate. Then one day I just quit work and said you have to go back to work. Not an easy thing to do for a guy that has been out of work for a few years. Even harder for him because he had been indicted with mortgage fraud while he was out of work. He decided to get his CDL because it was one thing he felt like he could do and have some control over his life. I remember Chad leaving to go look for a job as a truck driver and coming back so depressed. He said, " I thought it would be easy to get a job, like shooting fish in a barrel." Not so, he had no experience so no one would hire him. I decided to get involved and went to one of our good friends for help. He ended up buying a truck and set up a small business so we could work. Yes we have been blessed with some amazing friends over the years. An invaluable gift!
A time came where I couldn't carry the weight that I had ruined Chad's life any more and I wanted to be free of it all. I thought divorce was the answer. Chad was sleeping in his car and working up in Montana at the time and I remember calling him and saying I can't do this anymore. He said, "Well you either can or you can't. " I said goodbye and thought I was done.
The next morning Chad called me crying, he had been up all night. He said, " I was so angry at you I had to tape my fingers closed so I wouldn't call you and tell you what a terrible person you are." Then he said, " I finally humbled myself and prayed. The Lord let me see how you have felt all of these years, how alone you have been!" He said, "I'm tired of being a victim Portia, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself." Chad had kept a distance from me for so long. When I would reach out for comfort he had turned away many times. He told me how sorry he was that he hadn't been there for me. He said, "What I did to you was cruel, I knew you needed me and I intentionally withheld my love and support. I left you alone to carry this." Chad told me his heart had broken last night. He said, "Portia, I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused you." He told me he loved our family so much and wanted this to work. I cried and cried and said I felt to hopeless to try anymore. Chad told me that after praying for several hours and feeling a darkness and depression that he knew was how I had felt for many years that a warmth come over him and he could see our life down the road. He said, "Portia, we were all so happy. Our whole family was together and I could feel what it will be like." I asked him if he was sure I was in that picture. He said, "I love you Portia, I will fight to get were we need to be." He pulled me back from the edge of a cliff. I can't imagine life without Chad and the kids now, It took a while to heal though. In time we fell in love all over again. It was so powerful! He would work away from home and I couldn't wait for him to come back. It was the struggle that knit our hearts together. I know we are blessed to have a love like ours. The bonds we form in the temple are powerful! A gift for sure in the troubled times in which we live. There are so many things that can pull us apart yet if we will humble ourselves and turn to God he can take those struggles and bind us together. I had no idea things would get worst before they got better or I might have just run away. The next challenge our family went through is going to be hard to describe. I don't really know if anyone will ever read this but I am so glad I started it anyway, It's like writing the journal I never wrote.
I quit real estate and Chad got his CDL ( trucking license) but the only place he could get a job with out experience was in the oil field. Watching Chad work 20 hour days and live in a truck nearly broke my heart. I felt so guilty for so many years! Chad didn't want to get into real estate and had nothing to do with the deals I was involved in. He was paying such a heavy price for not putting his foot down.
For a while our marriage was on rocky ground. I felt so guilty and he felt like a victim. Chad is quit passive aggressive and he went into a deep depression during the years I was involved in real estate. Then one day I just quit work and said you have to go back to work. Not an easy thing to do for a guy that has been out of work for a few years. Even harder for him because he had been indicted with mortgage fraud while he was out of work. He decided to get his CDL because it was one thing he felt like he could do and have some control over his life. I remember Chad leaving to go look for a job as a truck driver and coming back so depressed. He said, " I thought it would be easy to get a job, like shooting fish in a barrel." Not so, he had no experience so no one would hire him. I decided to get involved and went to one of our good friends for help. He ended up buying a truck and set up a small business so we could work. Yes we have been blessed with some amazing friends over the years. An invaluable gift!
A time came where I couldn't carry the weight that I had ruined Chad's life any more and I wanted to be free of it all. I thought divorce was the answer. Chad was sleeping in his car and working up in Montana at the time and I remember calling him and saying I can't do this anymore. He said, "Well you either can or you can't. " I said goodbye and thought I was done.
The next morning Chad called me crying, he had been up all night. He said, " I was so angry at you I had to tape my fingers closed so I wouldn't call you and tell you what a terrible person you are." Then he said, " I finally humbled myself and prayed. The Lord let me see how you have felt all of these years, how alone you have been!" He said, "I'm tired of being a victim Portia, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself." Chad had kept a distance from me for so long. When I would reach out for comfort he had turned away many times. He told me how sorry he was that he hadn't been there for me. He said, "What I did to you was cruel, I knew you needed me and I intentionally withheld my love and support. I left you alone to carry this." Chad told me his heart had broken last night. He said, "Portia, I am so sorry for the hurt I have caused you." He told me he loved our family so much and wanted this to work. I cried and cried and said I felt to hopeless to try anymore. Chad told me that after praying for several hours and feeling a darkness and depression that he knew was how I had felt for many years that a warmth come over him and he could see our life down the road. He said, "Portia, we were all so happy. Our whole family was together and I could feel what it will be like." I asked him if he was sure I was in that picture. He said, "I love you Portia, I will fight to get were we need to be." He pulled me back from the edge of a cliff. I can't imagine life without Chad and the kids now, It took a while to heal though. In time we fell in love all over again. It was so powerful! He would work away from home and I couldn't wait for him to come back. It was the struggle that knit our hearts together. I know we are blessed to have a love like ours. The bonds we form in the temple are powerful! A gift for sure in the troubled times in which we live. There are so many things that can pull us apart yet if we will humble ourselves and turn to God he can take those struggles and bind us together. I had no idea things would get worst before they got better or I might have just run away. The next challenge our family went through is going to be hard to describe. I don't really know if anyone will ever read this but I am so glad I started it anyway, It's like writing the journal I never wrote.