| | | |
I have been blessed with strength from my Father in Heaven and confidence in your love and support. I plan to share the light and love that has been so freely given to me with the women I meet in prison and in turn share their stories with you. I decided last night that I wanted to share some of my facebook posts on my blog because there are so many new readers. After my sentencing I was so devastated I didn't know how to go on. It is impossible to describe how hurt I was and how much I needed your love and support. I reached out through Facebook and you all carried my burdens. I love you all dearly and want to share this journey with you. I plan to continue to share what we are going through as a family and stories from prison as well as the feelings of my heart. Here are some of my posts in the order that they were posted starting with a public apology I made right after being sentenced. I am also posting a couple of pictures from my posts. One of the pictures is of our dogs Lily and Hanna, we got them right after I got out of jail and poor Hanna had been terribly abused. Hanna loves me and wont leave my side, we have been healing together. I will miss them dearly
Many of you know that I have been under federal investigation for almost 10 years now and was formally charged in 2010 with Mortgage fraud. I plead guilty to those charges in August of last year and faced a sentence of 0 to 7 years. Yesterday I was sentenced to the maximum possible sentence that could be imposed by Judge Robert Shelby in federal court. Even though I knew it was a possibility that I would receive such a sentence and that I probably deserve it I really hoped the judge would show mercy to our family. My heart is broken and I ache for the pain and suffering I have caused my family. I am truly devastated by the loss of years I will have without my children and cant imagine live without Chad! I am scheduled to report to Dublin California in 8 weeks and hope to make the most of the time we have left together. I will keep you all posted on what comes next for me and want to thank our friends and family, especially the members of our church and fellow addicts in recovery from the lds 12 step recovery group in Draper Utah. The support we've been given has been so vital to us and our children through all these years and will enable us to move forward with our lives. Although there are many victims I want to make a special apology to My husband Chad Louder and our children Jace, Shelby, Jackson, Sadie and little CJ. Chad is the love of my life and a true hero. He has stood by my side through years of struggle and forgiven me despite the fact that he was charged in connection to my conduct and still faces trial in a few weeks. I want to be very clear that Chad is an innocent victim of my conduct, during the years I was engaged in real estate he was home caring for our children and had no involvement in any of these transactions. I used his name on some of these deals as I did with other victims and he has suffered extreme consequences! I wanted to thank our friends and family for the continued support at this tender time for us. Especially the support for Chad and the children. We need our friends more than ever! I have to hope and pray that at some point the debt I owe for the mistakes I have made will be paid and have hope for a better future
I knew as soon as I sat down in the courtroom that things were going to go badly for me. It was surreal, I turned back to look at my husband and children and felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I took some comfort in the judges comments that he felt I had learned my lesson and was rehabilitated. He said," I have no doubt that you won't get involved in this kind of stuff again Mrs Louder but I feel that I need to make an example of you to deter others." He was going to handcuff me right there in front of my children because he felt that the sentence he imposed was so severe that I might try to take my own life. My sweet husband stood up and couldn't utter a word for about 5 minutes because he was so heartbroken. He finally composed himself and pleaded with the judge to give us the time together as a family that anyone in my situation would be afforded. Watching Chad's tender love for me made me feel like a Queen. Something the judge nor the justice system will ever be able to take away from me. A moment of pure love that bound us together as a family. Although our hearts are broken I will leave with dignity and proud to call you all my friends
Time stood still as I watched my beautiful daughter in her first Daddy daughter dance. This was a tender mercy that I was able to be there and watch my angel dance with her dad for the first time. She is coming of age and I couldn't be prouder. In a instant my life was changed forever, each moment is so precious. This was the day after I was sentenced and It meant more to me than a trip to Hawaii. Sadie, you are as lovely as a young girl could be and I couldn't be prouder than I am right now.
I woke up this morning with our 7 year old daughter between my husband and I quietly sobbed because I couldn't keep the pain I feel in. She is so sweet! Yesterday is sacrament meeting she said, " Mommy, I'm too sad I think I need to leave. She said, " I really wished you wouldn't have signed those papers so you wouldn't have to go to jail in April it will be here too soon and I will miss you too much" I told her we could leave after the sacrament to go talk about it:) After the sacrament she said," I'm ok now Jesus made it better" I want you all to know that there is strength in walking through your suffering. That Jesus can make it better!
Thanks again to all of you. The support means everything to us right now. For some reason it is very healing to write down how I feel and share it. I haven't FB for years but this outlet has been so healing for me. So thanks again for all your comments:)
Last night I went to dinner with my 14 year old son Jackson Louder Every moment is precious, every detail seared into my heart. He is 14 now and so cool. I worry the most about him because it's so hard for him to tell me how he feels. we laughed and talked about good times and I told him how much I love him. He's my hero, Jackson boy I'm so proud of the man you're becoming
I fought for many years in hopes to win my freedom only to find out that freedom is a gift from God that can't be taken. I have never felt as free as I do right now! I feared the loss of my family only to find out family is a gift from God that no one can take away from me. So many things I thought were important aren't and the little details are everything. All of my worry and fear is gone and I savor every moment
To celebrate life's happy occasion's is wonderful! Every wedding and sweet moment should be savored with those you love. To suffer with those you love is eternal! Bonds are forged and love felt that cannot be experienced any other way. A special thanks goes out to my husbands family who came to the courthouse and walked through this with us with no worry or fear of humiliation just love and a willingness to suffer with us.
You are all doing more for us by allowing us to suffer and suffering with us than words are adequate to describe.
Many of you will have the opportunity to be there for my children in place of me. Know that it is sacred to me that you are my friends and that I love you for loving my children. You are Gods hands!
I took our dogs for a walk today and when I looked up a neighbor from our old ward who was driving by stopped in the middle of the road, jumped out of her car, left the door open and ran to me and hugged me. She said, " I saw you on the news and my heart aches for you." I couldn't feel more loved!
Thank you Highland/Alpine Thank you Richfield/SSHS Thank you Hevenly Father.
To my husband and all of you,
Dear Chad, as I lay in bed this morning thinking about the sacrifices you have made I am overcome with emotion. You chose family when you were justified to leave. You chose me when the federal government was bearing down on you. You chose the higher law. There aren't words to describe the love I have for you. Today you will plead guilty in federal court to charges that I brought on you because you can not risk going to trial and potentially be given the same sentence I was. You are innocent! Your father in heaven knows that as does anyone who knows us. Your choice to be a felon have your credit ruined and your good name destroyed is almost more than I can bear. I trust our lord and savior Jesus Christ that he will hold you close through these years as you raise our children without your wife and best friend and all things will be for your good. I Love You Chad
This might sound strange but it is giving me a lot of comfort right now. My sweet uncle sent me an awesome text and mentioned that this could be considered a mission of sorts. I have been thinking about that this morning and this is how I feel. I admire so much the women in my life who have served missions, I have wanted the many blessings that comes from such service. Especially the blessings to your children. Over the years I have had the opportunity to be involved in the LDS 12 step addiction recovery program and have found so much purpose in sharing some of my experience with others. When Jace was on his mission we were strengthened, brought together as a family and blessed in a unique way. Maybe I will have the opportunity to share what I love and give strength and hope to others that could not have been touched in any other way. I know I can do a lot of good for my family if I am serving. I know that Heavenly Father has given me unique talents that might be better used where I am going. I feel comforted and find great purpose in these thoughts and wanted to share it with those I love
I just had the best experience visiting teaching! I realized how isolated I have felt through all these years. My neighbor had no idea what had happened so I shared what we have been going through with her. This is what she said, " Oh Portia, I have been studying the teachings of Christ in the new testament this year. I was just thinking the other day how lonely it must be for women in Prison. As a stay at home mom sometimes I feel desperate to socialize and connect with others but I always know I have my family. The family gives us so much strength and confidence and many women in prison probably have no one to visit them. I have thought often I wish there was a way I could reach out to women in prison that need us." I told her I thought that was a great idea and I will be sending emails everyday to my husband that he can post on FB with stories and opportunities for you all to help people who really need the support. She was thrilled and said how glad she was that we came today. I'm so glad I went today! I wasn't sure about going because I haven't slept much and thought maybe it would be better if I got some extra sleep. The Lord is in the details of our lives and I have no doubt much good will come from this experience!
Dear Shelby,
I am so proud of the woman that you have become, It is truly an honor to be your mother! You have chosen your family these many years despite great adversity. Your choice to be there for your younger brothers and sisters means so much to me and I hesitate to even try to articulate it. I have watched you walk through this with your head held high, always choosing the high road. You are invaluable to all who know you and a strength to many. I admire so much the quiet way you go about doing the important things with no need for recognition. Having you near me right now provides such comfort and strength to your dad and I so thank you. I love you my sweet daughter. I couldn't be leaving my family in better hands
Many of the people who love us are so devastated they do not know what to say. I posted a picture of myself with a fortune cookie that said "Be sure to handle your financial affairs wisely" Sometimes humor can help heal hearts. That day I posted it was a very tender day for me and I was grateful for a lighter moment. I had a comment made by someone I have never met that I was obviously not repentant. To address that I would like to say that there are always more than one side to every story. I have not told my side publicly yet because I have not felt the spirit guide me to do so. Secondly you will never know the suffering and repentance that has taken place so please be careful when you are talking about sacred things. I love you all and want to reiterate that the support you have given me here has carried me through. You are truly mourning with those who mourn and comforting those who stand in need of comfort!
Last night the thought kept running through my mind that I am so blessed to have these experiences! I could have lived my whole life and never enjoyed each moment like I am right now. Watching my children in each of their strengths and imperfections is beautiful in a whole new way! Watching my husbands tender love for me is almost more than I can take. My heart swells with gratitude at times and I think surely I am blessed among women to have such experiences. These moments are sacred and come from my Heavenly Father
Little CJ's first pedicure. As we were driving tonight she asked me how long I would be in jail. Not a question I was prepared to answer! I started to cry and she said it's too sad to talk about mom. Then she said, Will I still be in 1st grade? I said no sweetie and she said it hurts my heart mom
I've never really been a person who cries. At times I hurt so deeply I feel tears streaming down my cheeks almost involuntarily. Sometimes it surprise me! I had one of those moments this morning as I took my son Jackson to school. I ached for the loss of years I will have without him! Just being in the car with him and his friends laughing, taking them all trick or treating, watching him play ball and being there the first time he has a broken heart. I looked at him and realized I was crying again. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this outlet to come to and share what's in my heart. I feel so much love and support here. Please know that you are all angels and our Father in Heaven works through you. I have also felt the very real Power of the Priesthood hold me up. If I didn't have the absolute knowledge that my children will be strengthened and comforted by a loving merciful Father in Heaven and will be loved by all of you I certainly would not be able to walk through this. Words are week to express my gratitude!
Tonight I went to an LDS 12 step addiction recovery meeting. The church has meetings every day and night, in many places there are multiple meetings going on at any given time. These meetings are a safe place to come and share your burdens whatever they may be. We all struggle with something and I have found such love strength and hope in these meetings. If I could bottle the spirit I felt tonight and share it with you! It was incredible! I have never been to a meeting no matter where I've been that I haven't felt loved and had others see the best in me. For so many years I felt alone! I couldn't really get up in sacrament meeting and share what I was going through (although I almost think I should have) I struggled with the constant question of Am I just a bad person? The government wanted to define me by the mistakes I had made years before and I kept trying to rise above it. I questioned if I was Bad or just in denial. I always found a sanctuary in these meetings and can testify that the very real healing power of our Savior is in those rooms. I love my brothers and sisters who are struggling and consider it an honor to be counted among them!
I woke up this morning with our 7 year old CJ and our 2 dogs Lily and Hannah between Chad and I in our QUEEN bed. Yes, the things I used to find annoying have become so endearing to me. It was a giant cuddle fest!!
Last night Sadie said, "Mom, I'm sorry I have been spending so much time with my friends. It just hurts so much when I am home and I think about you leaving." One of the hardest things I've experienced as a mother is watching my children hurting!
Sadie Louder, I am so proud of you for being open with your feelings. It takes a lot of courage to be honest! I know this is hard for you but I have had the comfort and promise from our Father in Heaven that you will be loved and cared for by many! I will be close in every way I can and when you feel alone get on your knees. Our Savior is closer than you think. I know there are angels in Heaven fighting for every one of us. If we could see how truly loved we are and how valuable we are to our Father in Heaven life would be so different! When I was sentenced I felt my heart break! It was unlike anything I have ever experienced. The veil gets thin at times like these and I came to know who I really am
Time is a precious thing. None of us really know how much of it we have. Sometimes I feel it slipping away. I want every minute to count! My perspective has changed a lot for example there is not enough time to be angry, there is not enough time to have hurt feelings. I won't give a second thought to injustices or hatred. My time is to valuable. The judge gave me 8 weeks now I'm down to 6. What would you do if you had only 8 weeks to share with the people you love? 8 weeks to show each of them how special they are to me. Sometimes I think it will be hardest for Chad. Whenever he asks a question of me and I say well sweetie I will be gone then he says," Don't say that Portia" I smile at him but I know he really hasn't accepted this yet. I guess denial is a safe place to keep your heart. I will miss you dearly Chad! I know you don't read these now but you will when I'm gone and I want you to know how much I deeply love you. How strong you were for me! How I would never have been able to walk through this with my dignity without you! You are amazing! We will get through this! The Lord will bless us and time will move quickly and all things will be for our good
My heart is so full of gratitude. The good in others amazes me! I have felt so loved and carried through some of my darkest hours. I am deeply humbled by the support we've been given. I am so grateful that our Father in Heaven's ways aren't man's ways. When we were in the courtroom for a moment I felt so alone. Chad couldn't sit by me so I looked back at my sweet family all sitting together. I knew what the judge was going to do and I wanted so much to go comfort my children. Then I looked forward feeling very alone. The judge passed his judgement and then allowed me to get up and speak if I wanted. I was quite nervous but didn't want to miss the opportunity to tell my family that I was sorry and that I loved them. I told the judge I knew I had made many mistakes but begged for mercy for my family. In the end he had made up his mind and there was no mercy to be had. The mercy came from our Father in Heaven when my husband stood up and advocated for me. I will always be grateful for that sacred moment in a very cruel and cold world. Every time Chad and I have been to the Federal courthouse we have noticed how cold and devoid of the spirit it is. When Chad stood up and pleaded with the judge on my behalf the spirit filled the courtroom and it became a sacred place.
Some of my favorite moments with my kids happen when I'm just driving somewhere with one of them. It's that time that you can let them know they are the most important thing in your life. Today while CJ and I were driving to get an ice cream I asked her if she thought she would be ok when I'm gone. I said, "Wont it be so exciting when I come home?" She said, "Yes mom, I will be ok, but I really just want to kick that judges butt!" Oh CJ, you make me so happy! Everything sounds better coming from a child:)
For so long I thought the answer to all my problems was to win my legal case. I was so focused on the injustices of my situation, It wasn't fair that the government had singled me out! There were so many licensed people involved that walked away with money! The government knew we had spent every dime I made making mortgage payments and they knew there were others more culpable than I was. We had lost everything! Chad had to take a job driving truck in N Dakota and we were barely getting by. How would we ever rebuild with felonies and millions of dollars restitution? It seemed like the only answer was to fight! I felt like the disclosure to the banks made what I was involved in legal so I wanted to go to court. The problem was that I had to spend so much time and energy trying to minimize what I had done. I wanted to just confess my part but the government had a different idea of what happened and was really not interested in the truth. It was an easier case if I would just say I filled out peoples loan applications falsely. Most of the lawyers felt like it was to risky to fight because I would likely get 8 years if I lost ( Ironically I got 7 anyway) The justice system is so broken! 3 million people sit behind bars for years wasting away. Families are torn apart and the tax payers spend billions keeping people isolated from society. Yes I know there needs to be penalties for breaking the law but I promise you if the Federal Government decided to investigate your life almost everyone of us could be found guilty of some infraction. I'm not trying to justify my mistakes. I did that for way too many years. I guess my hope is to help others see that there are many people locked away for years who might have a chance of a new life with some support. I have found FREEDOM in my situation. I have hope and feel the power of God moving in my life. I am excited to help bring other stories to light and maybe make a difference in their life. It is my testimony that our God knows exactly what we need. His ways aren't mans ways and the Federal government doesn't hold a candle to his power. I am so grateful for the peace and strength I've been given. For many years my prayers were Father please deliver me from this. That's exactly what he did! In a perfect kind loving way he gave me a happiness I haven't felt for years. Thank you for reading my posts and supporting us through this. I love my friends and family and really feel we are all in this life and struggle together
My sweet friend Lisa Bearnson came and took me to lunch today. The night I was sentenced Lisa had spent the whole day next to her father while he was leaving this earth then drove straight over to my house and mourned with me. I will always love you for that Lisa, I'm grateful for that sacred moment we shared. If I am to be judged by the friends and company I keep I will certainly be remembered well! So many kindnesses!
— with Lisa Downs Bearnson.
I just had lunch with Jackson. Poor boy, I was teasing him about girls and started to cry:) He said, "what's wrong mom? Girls aren't a big deal to me" I said, " I'm just sad I won't be around to embarrass you and chase them away!" You all have my permission if you see him with a girl to embarrass the heck out of him:)
— with Jackson Louder.
This morning when I woke up Chad said, "Portia" I said, "Ya" He said, "You are the sexiest Woman I know." I said, "Thanks Chad." He said," And your my Wife!" Then he said I really want to write you a heart felt letter but I'm afraid you will post it on FB. I said, "Why would you think that?" :)
For so many years I looked back at my life and felt the best years were already spent. I felt blessed that I had a moment in time where everything was beautiful. My children were thriving, I was a growing photographer, I was growing spiritually. I was grateful for the good years I had but had no hope that I would feel that way again. I know what it feels like to be too depressed to get out of bed. A depression so deep and an isolation so extreme that it hurts to breath. Existing seems too painful but there are no alternatives. I know what it feels like to think the best years are behind you and you would be grateful to live out the remainder of your days hidden from everyone except your family. Many priesthood blessings kept me above water for just one more day. I know what it feels like to be so scared it's hard to move, to look at your children and want so badly to make it all better! The one thing I never let go of was the gospel. It has been our only hope for many years and our saving grace. The good in others kept us going. I can't really share with you the deliverance I have been given. The depression and loneliness gone and the hope and love I have in my heart. It is surely a miracle from our Father in Heaven. To see life again as a hopeful energetic person is such a gift! To see the best in others and all potential in my children! Our savior is mighty to save! It is no greater miracle to heal a blind man than it is to heal my heart. It is my testimony that there is a perfect plan for each of us. There is nothing to fear! Never give up! Deliverance will come! I wouldn't change a thing for truly my suffering has given me compassion and a whole new perspective. I love you all in a whole new way and am learning more each day of who I really am
You lost your game today Jackson Louder, wouldn't it be nice if we could always win in life. I am so proud of you for fighting to the end! You guys had an amazing second half and when the cards where down you came back and fought hard! It was also cool that you had that sweet 3 point shot:) I will miss so much watching you play! It's one of my favorite things to do. You are such an outstanding athlete! Sometimes when I'm watching you I think my heart might burst with pride! Never give up Jackson, there is greatness in you.
— with Jackson Louder.
This morning I laid in bed and cried. I will miss so much watching my children grow. Chad held me and told me all the good things we have. He told me what an amazing mother I am and how much our children love me. I am so blessed to be having so many perfect moments with my family. I am so blessed to have the support of so many incredible people. I know I have been given a perspective that I could have lived my whole life without. Sometimes it just hurts that I won't be there for the ones I love so much. Life is too hard without a loving Father in Heaven. It is my only hope! I have to put my children in his hands! I have learned that it is important to teach your children accountability. It's ok to hurt, it's part of life. There is strength in suffering. There is strength in vulnerability and honesty. There is grace sufficient for us all
Letter from little CJ,
Today CJ gave me this letter
Dear Mom,
I will miss you. You are the best mom ever. I will try my best to be a good girl. I love you mom. I want to make you happy. I know how to make you laugh if you just remember that judge looked like a chicken in a dress it will make you laugh
I love you CJ
I went to an LDS 12 step recovery meeting tonight. As we went around the room and shared our weaknesses I felt like my heart might burst. For a moment I was given a glimpse of the love of God. It is a beautiful thing to trust each other with our vulnerabilities and weaknesses. There is such power in honestly admitting our mistakes. We all have struggles but it takes courage to go to a meeting and ask for help. In that room tonight were missionaries, a former LDS bishop and many other people who have found recovery. A stronger love and connectedness I haven't found anywhere. Sometimes it can seem like we are all putting on a show, I guess it's nice to put the best side out there for everyone to see? Maybe I am fortunate that some of my mistakes are so public? So many amazing people have reached out to me and shared their struggles and suffering with me. I have found that I am in very good company! How can we help each other improve if we aren't honest with each other? I have found such comfort in these meetings! If you haven't attended one before you are missing out on one of the best kept secrets in the church.
I ran into an old friend at the temple today, I'm starting to realize nothing is by chance. A loving Father in Heaven is perfectly orchestrating the details of our lives.
As I was driving in the car with CJ this morning I looked at her sweet face and felt terrified. I wanted to capture every detail of her beautiful little face. I felt a deep sadness that she won't be close to me. How will I live without this sweet spirit. At times like these I have to pray for strength and trust my Heavenly Father that he will provide a way!
My time! My precious time is slipping away. There isn't enough time to do what I need to do for each of my children. At the meeting I went to last night a young man shared that he was standing on the edge of a cliff and a cool breeze could have pushed him over. He said, " I feel like I was just hit by a freight train!" His best friend had died in his arms last week while he performed CPR on him. Life is filled with real problems. A friend messaged me that she lost her son to suicide and the pain and anguish she felt was unimaginable to me. Sometimes all you can do is get through the day and hope tomorrow will be better.
When I turned to prescription drugs for comfort it became my solution. I stopped turning to God for help and knew I could ease my suffering with a pill. So many suffer in silence! I wish there was a better way to share each others burdens. I am in a unique position of having no choice but to reach out for love and comfort. For truly I am a sinner and there is no hope for me without a loving Savior. I think we are all in that position but some are still able to hide their pain. There is freedom in having everyone know you are struggling. Things start to get very real. In my vulnerability I have found that I can feel the love of others in a whole new way. Any envy or judgement or pride for a moment has slipped away and I have been given the gift of seeing the best in others. Today I am hurting, but it's ok for I know this too shall pass. There are things in my life that I wish were different. For many years we have put off family vacations with the promise that when our legal trouble was behind us we will make up for it. If you could see time the way I do right now you would probably realize that most of what we do is unimportant. The things that matter most are the moments with those we love. Reaching out to another means everything
Tonight Chad and I were laying in bed with CJ and Chad asked her what she would miss most about me. CJ said, " I will miss mom's sweetness and her hugs, I will really miss snuggling with her." Then she said dad is it ok if I don't like the government? She said, " People think the government is good but they really aren't, they are really bad." I didn't know what to say to that. She is so innocent but wise beyond her years
I have been asked by several people and even by the psychiatrist that did my mental evaluation what it has been like to go through our legal troubles as a member of the LDS church. We have been treated with so much love and kindness! I can't imagine going through this without my religion. We have been loved and supported through our darkest hours by several bishops and other leaders in the LDS church. We have gone through the process of confessing our sins and been through a bishop's court. The love and kindness extended to us is a testament to the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We have not been treated as sinners but have been shown compassion and had our priesthood leaders fast for us, pray for us, and give us numerous priesthood blessings. I am ever so grateful that we have gone through all the steps a loving savior has provided to help us be completely washed clean. I can say that I feel a level of confidence and peace that I know is given to the truly penitent. It has been a process of love and compassion and we are so grateful to so many people who have reached out to us and strengthened us over the years.
Freedom is a gift of God that the federal government can't take away. Freedom is in your heart and is available to all who are willing to humbly admit their short comings and keep trying to be better. I love you all so much for supporting us through this. Our friends are the best of the best and we are in your debt. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is powerful in our lives. We have felt the grace and love of our Savior through all of you and have come to know a love and strength unlike anything we could have imagined
We've been renting a home in Highland from some friends of ours since August and knew the home was for sale. We found out a few days ago that a really great family has made an offer to buy the home and we need to move by April 10th. On Saturday I thought maybe I had hit my I can't take our life anymore limit and told my sister in law we needed to move. She said, "Oh Portia! I'm sick to my stomach, how can you do this right now with so little time left." I was pretty discouraged. Then she called me back and said "Portia, Chad needs you right now to help get them settled. I think the best thing for you would be to get them moved before you go so you can envision where they are." She was right but I have so wanted to spend these precious minutes with my children
A member of our bishopric came up to me on Sunday and told me to call a sister in our ward before we decide what to do. I had made a few phone calls and was looking at trying to rent a townhouse in our old neighborhood. Monday morning I got on my knees and knew how important this decision was. I went over to our neighbors home that wanted to talk to me and she and I sat in her office together and talked. I told her about my children, how amazing they are! I told her my heart is broken that I will be leaving soon and need to know they will be ok.
We sat together and I cried while she comforted me and listened. Then she told me that she was offering to let Chad and the kids move in with her and her husband and 3 girls. She is a doctor and has a psychology degree and is in a place in her life that she can be a great strength to my children. She and her husband have a large home a block away from where we live now. They are new in our ward and started teaching our daughter Sadie in Sunday school not to long ago. She has a large basement and has offered to let my family live there at whatever price we can afford. Not only is she willing to let them live there but is doing remodeling to make it more comfortable for my family. I am deeply humbled by the goodness in others and even had another neighbor that I think the world of call and offer to open their home to us. I went to the temple yesterday and Heavenly Father let me know that my family living with this kind family right now is exactly what my children need. To have a strong and loving women influence and role model in their lives is invaluable! It is humbling to be so vulnerable and need the help of others. The pride in me wanted to say no I've got this. I will take care of my family. The spirit tells me that this is an opportunity for my family to be wrapped in the arms of a loving ward and amazing family at a very tender time in our lives. I know there is a plan for us and so appreciate your prayers
We have felt the power of others pray for us the last month in a very unique way. It is a very real thing to ask our Father to bless another in their suffering. It connects us all and has given me strength unlike anything I have ever felt. People from all different faiths and walks of life have reached out to us through prayer and messages. Our father loves us and wants to perfectly orchestrate our lives if we will let him. So many times in my life I have become so busy with the things that I think are important that I miss the things that matter most. It is the simple moments with others that mean everything. To reach out to another in love and kindness is powerful. It doesn't have to be big. So many kind messages or gestures have come at the exact right time. I have learned that if we let Heavenly Father design our life he will do so much more with it than we ever could. Even if we plan it perfectly his ways are so much grander than ours. We would under bless ourselves compared to Gods plans
I have learned that the difference in being a victim or being a survivor lies in forgiveness. It is a Christ like attribute that can transcend all pain and suffering and fill us with light. It is more than that though. All of us have suffered in this life at the hands of another. One of the sweet ladies that I visit teach shared with us some of her pain as a child and said, "Everything changed when I let go, I went to counseling and did all of the things that we are supposed to do to help us heal. It wasn't until I forgave that I became free, it changed my whole life" How powerful it is to freely forgive another even if they aren't sorry or won't acknowledge the harm they have caused." After I was sentenced my whole world changed. My heart was broken and I only ached for the pain I had caused others. The love I have for my family is so much stronger than the resentment I carried for the government. All my energy and focus became how can I show my family that I love them. How can I help them prepare for when I am gone. The Lord lifted my burden and humbled me and it is one of the greatest blessings I have ever been given. I am so grateful I haven't put a minute into thinking about injustices. I have felt more love from others and a more powerful spirit in my life than I ever could have imagined! Writing my story has been healing but forgiving has been life changing! I am so grateful a loving merciful savior can heal our hearts. I tried for a very long time to let go of my hurt and in an instant it was gone and I was only aware of my shortcomings and wanted to ask others for forgiveness. I have been quit vulnerable this last month and I wouldn't change a thing. I had put up such a wall to protect myself from pain. Pain is a necessary part of life that will refine us and strengthen us if we will just walk through it
I went to an LDS 12 step meeting last night. It was the perfect ending to a very uplifting day. I believe one of the most important things I can teach my children is how to endure their trials well. I have seen family torn apart and lives destroyed because of life's trials. A missionary couple shared how powerful the spirit is in the women's prison. They believe the Lord is fighting for every one of us! A special spirit is available to those who most need repentance. I am excited to feel that spirit and share the hope and strength I have been given. I was reminded last night that I stand in good company as someone who will spend time in jail. It was said, " If Joseph Smith were alive today he would probably have quit the rap sheet." I certainly know their is a difference in my mistakes and the innocent torture of great men through out the scriptures but non the less find comfort in these thoughts
I am taking Chad's name off of my blog as an author. It has come to our attention that the government isn't happy about me sharing my story and could retaliate. It is a freedom they will not take away from me. I don't know yet weather Chad will be continuing my blog as I go through my experiences at a federal prison or if it will be our daughter Shelby Rose Clemens. I will keep you posted. Thank you for your support! Telling my story has been so healing for me and my family. The government is powerful. I love my country and support those who defend it, however there are times when we have to take a stand against abuse of power. If the government wants to comment I welcome their side of what they did to me to get a guilty plea. I am hoping the truth 100% will come out.
A friend sent me a message with some very good questions. I hope she is ok with me sharing it with you?
What advice would you have for others building spec homes? What should they be aware of? What are the warning signs? What should they question? How could you help them avoid the same mistakes?
Some of the mistakes I made are more about my character defects than real estate. How I wish I would have slowed down my photography business and lived a simpler life rather than looking for more money to solve our problems. It was a unique time in our country, a time I am not very proud of! Anyone could get a loan and indeed banks were as involved in all of my deals as I was. However, that place in our heart will not lead us astray. I really regret getting in so deep so fast! If I would have just built one spec home it would have been much easier to quit! My advice is NEVER DO BUSINESS with FRIENDS or FAMILY!!! If something seems to good to be true it probably is. The best things in life are free. Family means everything. My other advice is don't get into real estate:) My last advice is don't get on the radar of the federal government. If you think you might have a problem you probably do. Finally just because you are capable of doing something doesn't mean you should. Loving this time with my family!! Thank you all for reading and supporting us
I just received this kind message, the good in others inspires me! Taking the time to write this message made my day!!!
Hi Portia.....I'm not sure if you remember me or not but I was a classmate of your sister Kira. In 7th grade I believe I had to write a research paper and I chose the topic of teen pregnancy. You were kind enough to answer all of my questions with a level of transparency that inspired me to be honest and open even when it meant my character would be judged or ridiculed. Fast forward 27 years later........I recently accepted your friend request and have had an opportunity to read your story. I once again am impressed by your resilience, your ownership and transparency. I know it is a very dark time in your life but in spite of the trials you face you continue to shine light through your sharing. I just wanted you to know u touched my life at 13 and again at 40. I wish you peace and strength as you face this next chapter of your life. I offer a thought.... Remember this a chapter of your life and not the ending of your story. May you continue to feel the love and support of others!
There are times the thought of being separated from my family is terrifying. I am grateful for my faith and the support and love of so many good people. I know I will get through this but this morning my heart is breaking and it brings me to my knees. I have learned that it is the hard things in life that bond us together. The good times are great but they are just the reward. When we struggle and suffer together we are bonded together eternally.